The Woes of POTC characters
by sudoku
Summary: All major POTC characters, such as Jack, Will, Barbossa, Elizabeth, Norrington, Tia Dalma sat down together to compare their fates in DMC and perhaps COTBP. In here, Will got to slap Jack, Barbossa became the face of Granny Smith, etc. Betaed by Jinxeh.
1. Paternity Issue, DNA test, and slapping

_The Woes of PotC Characters_

_Part One: (Paternity Issues, a DNA Test, and slapping)_

This is my first attempt to post in here and also, in fact, the first fanfiction I ever wrote. It's supposed to be humorous, and not to be taken seriously. These are about what _I _think of the repeated issues/jokes in _Dead Man's Chest_, as discussed by the actual PotC characters. This first chapter includes Will questioning whether or not Bootstrap is really his father, and Will gets to slap Jack!

Disclaimer: If the PotC franchise belonged to me, I would be extremely rich. However, I'm _not_ rich, so go figure.

Summary: All major PotC characters, such as Jack, Will, Barbossa, Elizabeth, Norrington, Beckett, Tia Dalma, etc., sit down together to compare their fates in CotBP and DMC. Definite spoilers for both movies. First time fic, so don't be too harsh. R&R.

Notes:

1. I'm not a native English speaker, so I apologize in advance for any language mistakes. However, this story has been beta-ed by Jinxeh. All mistakes are mine, all credits are hers.

2. I've seen CotBP only 2.5 times, and DMC only once, so I may make some mistakes in accuracy and canon. Sorry about that. It _is_ a parody, so please don't take it too seriously.

3. If some opinions sound eerily like your own, they probably are. I make no profit in it, so please don't sue.

4. Since this is a parody, the characters are likely to seem OOC. It's also hard to get the manner of speech correct for each of them, especially for Jack and Tia Dalma. (See note 1).

5. I realize the actual characters aren't very unlikely to just sit down together like this, so please work on your suspension of disbelief. This fic is more likely to occur than skeleton pirates, however, or a crew consisting of dead men with sea creatures growing on their faces. Even though those were pretty cool…

Sorry for the long-winded notes!

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In _The Faithful Bride_, there existed a rather large, odd crowd of different varieties of people, including mostly pirates, a blacksmith, two females (or three, if you consider a female pirate as _simply_ a female, rather than just as a pirate), in addition to some rather important-looking people—judging by the different degrees of their wigs and pompousness—some Navy men without wigs, some cannibals, a dog, a parrot, and a monkey. As if this wasn't weird enough already, there also existed some strange people with seaweed and varying sea creatures growing on their pale, sometimes green faces.

They all sat together around a large table, all drinking different things (though mostly rum), but there was also some brandy, vodka, wine, orange juice, water, and even milk present in their tin and wooden mugs. How some of the people had managed to smuggle the last three drinks into the tavern is not part of this tale, as implausible as it is—and for that matter, _who_ was drinking _what_ isn't important either, though it doesn't really matter anyway, as the author honestly doesn't know the specific drink preferences for everyone there, except for two people's addiction to rum.

One of the two people with the rum addiction, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, went ahead and started the small talk.

Jack: I, Captain Jack Sparrow, the best pirate in the Caribbean, the most charming pirate that ever graced this planet, the ladies' man, the …

James (Norrington): All right, could we just cut through the small talk and get to the point, please? After all, I have some pirates to catch.

(All of the people who consider themselves pirates unconsciously inch further from

James, even though they'd kept a longer-than-ten-swords-away distance from him in the first place.)

Jack: Norry, my mate, why the rush? I thought we had some understandings about all this!

James: I am not your _mate,_ and do not call me "Norry". And _what_ understanding? I _understand_ that you are a pirate, and _you_ understand that I am a commodo-… common pirate-hater, and possibly hanger, if _that_ is what you meant…

Will: Could you two stop _bickering,_ please? Why did you call us here, Jack?

Jack: Ah, my eunuchy Will. What I want to _say_ is …

Will: _I am not a eunuch!_ How many times do I have to _tell_ you? _Eunuchy_ is not even a word!

Jack: Yes, it is.

Beckett: Please, you are all _so_ childish.

Jack: And _you're_ so mature, Becky? Whatever. Anyway, what I want to say here has to do with the success of DMC. A lot of the audience have compared the stories between the two movies, some are happy…and some are disappointed. But I want to know what you think about _your_ characters; were you were happy about them? By the way, I'm asking this so I can send this input to the movie-makers, so they can improve the third one. Gettin' paid a hefty sum too, heh…

Elizabeth: What are you _talking_ about? What's DMC? What audience? What's a movie? I didn't even know that you could form such long sentences without using any piratical terms, Jack!

(The rest of them are also wondering about the same things, but they don't want to make themselves look like idiots, so they keep their mouths shut.)

Jack: My _darling_ Liz, I cannot answer your questions, as that would mean I'd have to kill you afterwards. I don't _want_ to do that, as I know at least three people here won't be happy if I kill you. Then again, more might be happier if I did. However, two out of three who _would_ care are good swordsmen and I would rather _not_ experience the waterwheel scene again. Banging my head on the wheel was rather painful, after all.

Elizabeth: (pouts) Who'd be happy if I die?

(A few of the people snigger. Elizabeth glares at them.)

Elizabeth: _Who_ is the third person?

Gov. Swann: Elizabeth, darling, how could you forget about _me_?

Elizabeth: Oh! Sorry father, I just left you with Mercer and rather forgot that you care about me despite the fact that you rescued me from the jail, and everything.

Barbossa: Could we _continue,_ please?

Jack: Thanks, my treacherous ex-first mate! Ignore all Elizabeth's questions, everyone, and please focus on what you think of your characters in both movies.

Beckett, Tia Dalma, Anamaria, Davy Jones and his crew, some Navy guys: But…we weren't _in_ both movies….

Elizabeth: How do you guys know about this movie thingy, anyway?

Lt. Groves (representing all the characters above): We just _know_. It's sort of embedded in our subconsciousness. We still don't know what a movie _is,_ but we sort of know our answers instinctively.

Elizabeth: That is a lot of big words from you, Lieutenant Groves. I'm not sure I understood half of them.

Sao Feng: I haven't even appeared in _any_ movie yet. I don't even know my role! _Why_ am I here?

Jack: Well, you _will_ be in the third movie. Mates, forget what I said about both movies. As long as you were, or will be, in any PotC movies, you were invited.

Beckett: Thank you, Jack, for gathering most of my enemies here. Can I kill most of you after this meeting?

Barbossa: Hey, that's my job!

Davy Jones: No, it's mine!

(Some people start to withdraw their swords, pistols, or any other weapons, and aim them at Beckett, Barbossa, and Davy Jones.)

Jack: Guys, guys…there's no killing here! Especially killing of me! I'll start first, then. I don't have many complaints. I got to kiss the girl, after all. (grins)

(Will and James glare at him.)

Jack: Why are you two glaring at _me_? She kissed me first!

James: Oh, were you just an innocent bystander again? You never flirted and encouraged her, she just did that at of her own accord, did she? (rolls eyes)

Jack: Why Norry ...you understand me so _well_! I'm honoured.

Will: Hey, _I'm_ the official fiancé here! I demand an explanation!

Elizabeth: It was just a _trap_, Will. So that the Kraken wouldn't kill us _all_.

Will: I still don't understand…

Elizabeth: Well…truthfully, I kissed him so that I could chain him into the mast of the _Black Pearl_. I still love you…I think. (scratches head)

James: Thank God you never thought of kissing _me_. If you ever consider it, let me know in advance. I'll need to make sure there aren't any dangerous objects in which to chain me to within the vicinity.

(Elizabeth smiles sheepishly, and Will glares at James.)

Jack: Hey, _I_ was the one being endangered by the kiss, here! Oh, wait, I remember now…I have some grievances after all! I might be dead now, thanks to your "girl", Will, (smiles ruefully at Liz) _and_ I lost me _Black Pearl_. (sighs) There's also no rum. Oh, wait…never mind! (grins)

Will: Wait, you can't be dead if you're right here _now_…can you?

Jack: Hey, work on your suspension of disbelief. Who's next?

Will: Next for what?

Jack: (sighs) For the next invoice of what you all think of your _characters_. Bloody eunuch…

Will: Oh, that. We sort of got off-track here, with so many diversions. Anyway…I'll say mine then, shall I? (clears throat) Thanks to _certain_ people, I am not _married_ yet… and my fiancée has even kissed another man!

Elizabeth: Will, how many times do I have to say it was a _trap_?

Will: Sorry, Elizabeth, but I win the angst game. I thought my father was dead, but then he was alive, though creepy-looking, _and_ he whipped me!

Bootstrap Bill: But son, that was for your own good!

Will: I know, Dad, but I still have to say it - we're comparing notes now. Not to mention the shock when I _discovered_ the state he was in when I first saw him. People said I look like him, but _I_ sure don't see any resemblance. Where's the proof he's my real father, anyway? We may need some DNA tests…

Elizabeth: I think I'm getting a migraine. What's a DNA test?

Jack: What did I say about asking questions, Liz? Anyway, Bootstrap Bill _is_ your father; Barbossa will confirm it. I don't know why I said previously that you looked like him, but Barbossa _also_ thought so. Perhaps I was drunk at that time. Well, more than likely, I was. (grins)

Barbossa: Hey, don't bring _me_ into this paternity issue! He really is your father though, despite the lack of resemblance.

Bootstrap Bill: Will…I am your father (author grins- couldn't help it, mate).

Will: Okay…since three people say so, I'll just accept it. It's easier that way. Oh, since it's still my turn, there's also the matter of me wanting to release my father, but _some_ people just wanted the heart for their _own_ selfish purposes. (glares pointedly at Jack and James)

(Jack suddenly looks deeply into his bottle of rum as if he's found some deep inspiration there. James appears suddenly concerned about his slightly crumpled sleeves.)

Will: Okay, I'm done for now. Oh no, wait, one more thing…Jack, instead of you, I got slapped by a few wenches in your place.

Elizabeth: (narrowing her eyes suspiciously at Will) Why? What did you do to them, Will? And here's me feeling guilty for kissing _Jack_…

Will: There's nothing in it, Miss Swa- Elizabeth. I merely asked them for Jack's whereabouts, and was suddenly slapped! They asked me to send this message right along to Jack, which I will do now.

(Will comes over to Jack.)

Will: (slaps Jack) _This_ is from Scarlett. _This_ is from Giselle, (slaps him again) and _this_ is from me! (punches him).

Jack: Oi, I did _not_ deserve that…except perhaps the last one.

(Everyone, except Jack, sniggers.)

_TBC_


	2. Black Pearl Inc, Lego, & Caribbean Idol

Jack: Now, you can all go for your lavatory break, and we'll start our meeting in thirty minutes sharp, savvy?

Will: Wow, Jack. I didn't know that you knew all about this corporate mumbo jumbo. Where did you learn it from?

Jack: Ask Becky about it. (grins)

Beckett: Hey, if I tell you all about that _now_, there'll be no fun in watching the third movie, now will there be?

Barbossa: Trust me, whelp—Jack did not run _Black Pearl Inc_. very efficiently. Why did you think we mutinied against him? Bad management, lousy pay, not enough overtime…at least, not enough _paid_ overtime…

Jack: What, you think you ran it _better_? Look where most of _your_ crew ended up!

James: A short drop and sudden stop. Hey, it rhymes! I just noticed that! Of course, I _was_ the one that created it…hey, if the whole Navy thing doesn't work out for me, I can always be a poet, eh?

Beckett: That's it. I'm selling my _Black Pearl_ shares. I thought it was _such_ a good investment for the East India Trading Companytoo. Instead, I'll buy some _Flying Dutchman_ shares, since they're very low right now. (looks around) Oops, you didn't hear that.

(Davy Jones growls, and mutters a death threat under his breath.)

Jack: Oi! Please, _no_ killing—for now. Who'll watch the third movie if somebody dies _outside_ of the movie? I invested heavily in the third one, you know! Said to be one of the highest grossing movies of all time, and all that. Now…go for your break. I need some rum. (sighs)

(During the break, some went to sell their _Black Pearl_ shares, or bought some shares of _Flying Dutchman_ _Inc_. and of the third PotC movie (the author also wished to buy the movie shares, but was quite unable to since she's not canon. Tough luck.). Some took an actual lavatory break, some refilled their drinks, some checked their mail (no, not e-mail, just some mail from some messenger, or minions such as Mercer), some plotted world domination, and others retouched their wigs.)

(Thirty minutes later, everyone resumed their positions.)

Jack: Whose turn is it next?

Will: Before anyone else gets started, I wanted to ask you something, Jack. Why did you hit me with an oar in the second movie?

Jack: Is that not obvious? To get back at you for CotBP!

Will: In that case, can I get back at you by betraying you multiple times?

James: Could I commandeer your ship/boat then? Not that you have one at the moment…

Barbossa: Could I shoot you, then?

Jack: Hey, hey, _hey!_ This is no time for _revenge!_ Doesn't anybody remember our purpose here?

Ragetti: To show the glory of God and serve others?

Pintel: Ragetti, have you been pretending to read the Bible again?

Elizabeth: (rolls eyes) Guys will _always_ be guys. I'll start, then. I have something to complain about what happened to my character in DMC...or what _didn't_ happen, actually. Why didn't I get my wedding?

Jack: So that you could kiss _me_. (grinned)

Will: Yes, because I'm sure that a woman being married has stopped you _before_, Jack.

James: Oh God, here we go again…

Elizabeth: Oh yes, not having a wedding is my only complaint. (smiles) I was happy I got to kiss two of the hottest guys around here.

James: But not me. I was even your official fiancé, once!

Elizabeth: Hey, if I knew you could look hot being scruffy, I would have kissed you too. I'm into scruffy, piratey guys, or blacksmiths. Aboard the _Black Pearl_, I _might_ have kissed you too, but Jack was around, and he was more obvious in showing his interest in me.

(Will looks more heartbroken than before—if that's possible. The beta of this story feels increasingly sorry for him.)

James: I rest my case.

Elizabeth: I didn't even need to wear that horrible corset again, _and_ got to kick some ass! I think I'm the one who got the best deal in the second movie…you know, except for the feeling of guilt at the end…

James: Talking about guilt, you're not the _only_ one. I took the heart and gave it to Beckett! I thought that was a good idea at the _time_…but since then, I keep feeling uncomfortable…but that could just be from the lice I picked up from on the _Black Pearl_.

Jack: There is no lice in the _Black Pearl_! Are you really so hell-bent on dropping the share prices? It's _your_ fault that _Black Pearl Inc_. was destroyed and I, the chairman, might be _dead_!

James: Hey, how was I supposed to know that the Kraken was going to attack your boat? I actually gave you some _help_ by leading Davy Jones's crew from Elizabeth, so you and your crew could get aboard your boat—

Jack: _Ship_, not _boat_.

James: _Whatever_. I just wanted my position as Commodore back—and _you_ were guilty of destroying it at the first place. I might as well continue with my complaints about DMC since my list is so long, I suppose...

One of Davy Jones's crew that's slow on the uptake: (glares at James) Wait a minute, it was _you_ who took the heart! And _you_ were pretending that the heart was in the chest, and I thought you were scared, and returned the chest before running away! I should have killed you then and there…

James: Well, it seems that I've discovered a new talent, once again. If I can't become a poet, I can always become an actor…

Will: Hey, after that three-way swordfight, I have a share in that heart as well! You took it, just like that! Wait…what was the point of the fight, again? Who won, anyway?

James: Hey, Jack would have done the same thing. Remember, that he persuaded me to attack _you,_ and he himself tried to sneak away with the key! As for the _point_ of the fight…I don't really remember. As for who won, I'm not sure about _that,_ either, but it definitely wasn't Jack, since he got out early to try to hide the heart.

Jack: Couldn't help myself, mate. Pirate. (grins)

(The author, at this point, thought that Jack had grinned too much throughout this story but by then couldn't stop him.)

Will: I _really_ have to get back at you two. (glares at Jack and James) For Jack, I kinda _expected_ him to be all piratey. However, the ex-commodore was more piratey than _me_ in DMC! Norrington, are you sure that both of your parents weren't pirates? I'm only half a pirate, you know; my mum wasn't a pirate, so if both of your parents are, then you have more pirate's blood than I do…which would then explain a _lot_…

James: Absolutely _not_, Turner. If both of my parents were pirates, do you think I'd then still be so hell-bent on hunting them all down?

Jack: Gee, I dunno, mate. You might be a psycho or something. Anyway, we're off track again…at this rate, this meeting will be over only _after_ the third movie is out. Who's next?

James: Oh yes, I was about to tell about my complaints _before_ the interruption. Where should I begin? (sighs). In the first movie, I seemed to make calculated moves, and did _not_ rush into things. And then suddenly, I became all emotional and wanted to catch Sparrow, and sailed through a hurricane! I _still_ don't understand why I did that…

Jack: First of all, that's _Captain_ Sparrow, to you. Oh, don't look at me like that; I _will_ have my ship back, soon. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy? As for the reason as to why you became so _stupid_, blame the rum, mate. That always works.

James: Thanks, _Captain_ Sparrow. I never thought I'd ever say a genuine 'thanks' to a pirate, but I guess that now I can. Blame the rum. I like that. Oh, and speaking of "blaming the rum", I remember about Gibbs now! I was a chapter behind him!

Gibbs (one of the two rum addicts mentioned earlier in this tale): (suddenly jumps up) What ex-commodore? Why am _I_ suddenly in this conversation?

James: As usual, you weren't listening, Mr. Gibbs. I wasn't talking _to_ you, I just mentioned your _name_.

Gibbs: Okay…I'll just continue to doze off, then.

James: When I said my life was a chapter behind Gibbs, I didn't mean it was a chapter behind through the _whole_ book, but apparently it went that way, anyway. Not only did I lose my commission, I also became a drunk! On top of that, I also joined the crew of the _Black Pearl,_ just like him. I don't know, did he subconsciously become my idol, or something? Why did I follow in _his_ footsteps?

Ragetti: How did _you_ know that Gibbs went to compete in _Caribbean Idol_?

Pintel: Yeah, that's supposed to be a secret!

Jack: Oh shut up, both of you. That is _not_ what he meant. I wouldn't worry 'bout it too much anyway, Norry…there's worse footsteps to follow in. Like Becky's!

Beckett: Do _not_ keep calling me Becky. And hey, why am _I_ worse than Gibbs?

(Jack and the rest of Becky's haters snigger, and plot for his downfall.)

Beckett: Fine, _don't_ answer me…

James: May I continue?

Jack: Of course, anyone but Becky is always welcome.

(Beckett stares pointedly at Jack.)

James: I followed Gibbs's path very _closely_ until the end of the metaphorical book. I even woke up in the pigsty, but until now I didn't remember how I ended _up_ there.

Gillette: Oh, sir. It was because Miss Swann hit you on the head with a bottle, remember? She even admitted to it, "I just wanted the pleasure of doing that myself!"

James: How do _you_ know this? You weren't even there! Great, not only did I follow Gibbs's footsteps, I also followed _Captain_ Sparrow's footsteps and got hit in the head with a bottle!

Jack: Well, you'll never go wrong, following in _my_ footsteps! (grinned again)

Elizabeth: Assuming you _want_ to be eaten by the Kraken... (mutters)

Will: Hey, how did _you_ know that Jack was hit by a bottle? You knew? And you still credited the effort of capturing Jack to Brown, instead of me, who actually _fought_ Jack?

James: I didn't know _then,_ but I've watched the first movie recently, so I know now.

Elizabeth: Oh, the 'm' word again. I _really_ want to know what a movie is! Oh yes, Gillette…by the way, how did you know it was _me_ who hit James?

Gillette: Some mermaids flopped up on deck and told me the whole story. No, seriously.

James: (in his famous rolling-eyes style) Gillette, you really make the Navy proud with your talk about mermaids. Elizabeth, is it true that you hit me? I was just surprised to see you at the pigsty! And to think, I was grateful that you helped me up…

Elizabeth: Unfortunately, it's true, James. But hey, they would have _killed_ you if I didn't step in! I knocked you down so they would spare you! It was better me than them to hit you. Right? At least then, I could still fetch you back and help you up.

James: I should thank you for saving my life, then. However, Elizabeth, what do you think I _am_? A creation made out of Lego blocks, that you can knock down and build up again? In the first movie, you promised you would marry me when I rescued Turner. In DMC, you knocked me out! I'm not sure I want to know what you plan to do to me in _third_ one. I don't _dare_ to imagine it…

Jack: I see a pattern here. She tends to hurt people that love her. However, she _did_ really love Will when she deceived Norry, and chained _me_ to _protect_ Will. Come to think of it, so she could go find Will, she burned my rum, too, in the first movie—and that was very painful for me! Will…you might be a eunuch, but you're also a very _lucky_ eunuch.

Bootstrap Bill: Wait…what's this talk about my son being a _eunuch?_ You're…erm…_not_ a eunuch, are you son?

Will: Of _course_ not, Father. (grits teeth) Don't listen to Jack.

James: You know, I've just realized I've gotten one minor gain off of the second movie, although whether or not _you_ would consider it as a gain or loss is relative. I seem to have collected more fan girls, now. Well, not as many as Captain Sparrow, or Turner, but the last time I surfed the Internet the number was quite staggering. I don't know why the sudden fame, though…

Jack: Join the club, mate. Will and I are used to it. You need to be careful, though, because there're bound to be a lot of ruddy Mary-Sues comin' your way once you're considered attractive.

Elizabeth: Whoever wants to even _touch_ Will has to get over my dead body, first. (narrows eyes)

(Elizabeth haters: With pleasure.)

Barbossa: Talking about fan girls, or perhaps fan boys, I seem to have some fans as well, based on the number of fanfictions appearing about me. (Tries not to grin, but fails spectacularly.)

Jack: Yes, we can all agree that people are weird. The last time I checked, there were a _lot_ of fan groups for different people in PotC rather than just me and the whelp. Even Becky and Davy Jones here have some fans.

Beckett: What's so strange about me having fans? I'm not bad-looking, you know.

(Story Beta: I agree! Heehee…)

Jack: Well, except being evil and vertically challenged, no, you're all that bad-looking. After all, people have to have different tastes to choose from, otherwise everybody will go for me—and _that'll_ cause trouble. I might be dashingly handsome, but I just can't handle so many women, not to mention the possible slappings that usually follow…

Davy Jones: I _still_ don't know why I have fangirls, though.

Jack: Because you're the tragic character that suffers because of love. Speaking of that, half of the people _here_ are also suffer because of love. _You_, however, are the most tragic one because you cut you heart out and still managed to stay alive. Could you tell us your technique? I think I can sell it to the medical world so that people don't have to have heart transplants—they can just remove their hearts altogether!

Davy Jones: Sorry, that secret's for me to know, and for you to find out.

_TBC_

Note: I think half of this chapter was focused on Norrington, and he _was_ pretty OOC in DMC. It's necessary, however, because he did draw the short straw a little too often in the movies, and IMHO was one of the unluckiest people in PotC universe, so he did have a lot to complain about. Not that he'd have to complain at all, if he was kept in-character…


	3. Villains have feeling too!

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own PotC, Gulliver's Travels, Spiderman, or Shrek. Luckily, I don't own any reality shows. (shudders at the thought)

* * *

  
Jack: Yeah, right. Despite your ability to remove your heart without dying, I _still_ reckon you're an idiot. 

Davy Jones: How so?

Jack: Who in their right frame of mind would really bury his heart on land, when he could only step on it once every ten years? In fact, it's funny that you're even scared of a jar of dirt! I think we could defeat you by firing canons containing jars of dirt onto your ship!

Davy Jones: Sshh! Don't give them any ideas! (looks around worriedly)

Jack: Wouldn't it be better to bury the heart at the bottom of the ocean, where normal human beings can't gain access to it? You could always dive underwater to protect it, that way.

Davy Jones: Stop criticizing me! I have…er, _had_…the key to the chest well-protected!

Will: Yeah, right. (Suddenly worries the author that Will's speech pattern is starting to follow Jack's too closely.) You fell asleep so easily, it was like taking a candy from a baby!

Davy Jones: Stop this nonsense! I also have the power to teleport, and I don't even have to have a tail and yellow eyes to do it, so there!

Jack: Oh, no. Another X-Men fan. Hey, you did the teleport thingy only once, anyway, when you tried—and failed, may I add—to collect my soul. How come you didn't do it again, and summoned the Kraken, instead?

Davy Jones: Oi, do you have _any_ idea how much petrol costs now? We used the last batch of petrol to try to impress you, and if we were lucky may get a hundred souls, but—as usual—fortune does not favour us. From now on, we're going to stick with using the Kraken—it's more environmentally friendly anyway, won't thin the ozone layer.

Jack: I can't believe this. You're worried about the future generation, but you want to kill me and enslave a hundred other sailors?

Davy Jones: Hey, everyone needs to live for a cause, and _that_ is _my_ cause. Do you have a _problem_ with that?

Jack: (shakes his head) Do I have any problem with that? No, not really. Doesn't matter if I am dead or alive, now does it? I need my rum, NOW!

Will: (Replaces Jack for the time being, as the pirate captain runs off in search of more rum.) Do you have any complaints, Davy Jones?

Davy Jones: I think they need to show my _softer_ side more; you know, show me playing the whole of Bach's trio sonatas! Oh, I also need smarter minions, and more Krakens. Does anyone know if I can get some sort of a refund from _Minions 'R Us_ for the conked out minions I have now?

Barbossa: Join the queue.

James: While we're on the subject, I'm also in the need for some refunds, mostly for the subordinates I got in the first movie. Who in their right mind hires people who can't swim and believes in _mermaids_ in the Navy? Oh…and before any one answers that, let it be known that it was _not_ my decision to have them as my subordinates in the first place.

Jack: Order, order! (shoves Will aside, a new mug of rum in his hand, and prepared to take over once more.) Davy, mate, you're one of the _villains_ here. You're not supposed to outshine the protagonists, especially me, therefore your complaints are unimportant. Who's next?

(Some fans: Hey, I thought some characters like Norrington, Davy Jones, Tia Dalma and even Barbossa have stolen some of the limelight already and in canon…although no one can outshine Jack; Jack is so shiny, we need to wear eyeliner so as not to get blinded!)

Barbossa: I have no complaints, except that I'd like more screen time. I _liked_ my cool and captivating one liner, though. I even got to eat my apple! In fact, a few apple distributors have contacted me to do advertisements for them. Apparently, sales of apples have increased since DMC came out. I'll be the new face for "Granny Smith's Apples"!

James: Oh, please. I'm _already_ disturbed by the image of Gibbs joining the _Idol_ show, and so I don't really want to be following his footstep regarding that. I don't like watching reality shows, and I will _not_ ridicule myself by being a participant! I've already been ridiculed enough, being thrown in the pigsty…

Jack: Yes, don't forget the smell, as well. (sniggers)

James: Sparrow! Anyway, I already have my favourite pastime of chasing pirates, undead or not. I occasionally like to eavesdrop, steal hearts (literally, and also metaphorically, for some fans), and trick pirates. I don't _need_ the _Idol_ show.

Will: Yes, I don't like watching _or_ participating in reality shows, either. It's better for me to practice my swordplay four hours a day. I also like to do occasional eavesdropping, especially when Jack talks so secretively…

James: Turner, at last we have something else in common. The other one being jilted by Elizabeth, of course.

Jack: Er, Will, the last time you told me it was _three_ hours a day that you practiced with your sword.

Will: Yes, I know. After the three-way swordfight on the waterwheel, however, I thought I needed to practice more. I also practice on a treadmill as well, in case we need to swordfight on other moving objects. It's rather dizzying…

Jack: Jeez, you two need to get new hobbies. I myself wouldn't mind being a participant on _Survivor_; it's kinda useful information you can learn there, if you're ever marooned on an island. I also have lots of practice for being dishonest, which would make it easier for me to win!

Elizabeth: I think _my_ hobby is quite enjoyable; flirting and kissing pirates or pirate wannabes!

James: Hey, one's hobby should _not_ hurt others. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll shut up now.

Jack: Since we've done two villains already, we might as well continue with the worst one. Becky, have you got anything to say?

Beckett: Do I have anything to say? No, for apparently villains have no _feelings_, and should be condemned the moment they appear on _screen_. (scowls)

Jack: You got that right, so no complaints, then. (grins)

Beckett: Can't you see the air is thick with sarcasm? Oh right, your senses are currently impaired what with all the rum you're drowning yourself in…

Jack: Oh, you know me so _well_, Becky. (grins again) I miss the good old days between you and me that a lot of fans are speculating about, which they will continue to do, at least until the third movie comes out. Did you know they think I gave you the snip-snip?

Beckett: You _never_ gave me the snip-snip. Can I allow myself to _start,_ now? After all, I'm the only one with a title around here.

Jack: I didn't know that 'Becky' was a title! You learn new things every day, apparently…

Beckett: That is _Lord Cutler Beckett_ for you, Sparrow. I'll continue now, as it seems that I'm some sort of replacement for Norrington in term of the threat for the trio not in the form of the pirates, and who also wears a wig. People just hate me the moment I appear on screen, don't they?

James: (could not keep quiet, as he promised) Pardon _me_. I _refuse_ to believe that you could replace me! The height issue matters here, plus I don't think everyone hated me the moment I appeared! Hey, I appear at the very _beginning_ of CotBP even before the adult trio come on screen! I also have integrity—at least, I did in the first movie…

Jack: I agree that height matters, Norry. Comparing you and Becky is like comparing Brobdingnag's citizen with Liliput's citizen of _Gulliver's Travel_.

(The audience members who have read the book—not counting Pintel and Ragetti, of course—get the picture and fall off of their chairs, laughing.)

Elizabeth: Wow, Jack. I didn't know you'd heard of _Gulliver's Travels_. I didn't even know that you could _read_. I love _Gulliver's Travels_, as it features pirates! (smiles, with a faraway look on her face.)

James: Why am I not surprised?

Jack: Well, Liz, there's more to me than you know. I'm like an onion with multiple layers. Do you…want to find out more? (signature grin)

(Will and James grit their teeth.)

Will: Hey, Jack! You stole a line from _Shrek_, there...

Jack: Which one? Does Shrek also want to know Liz? Shrek isn't even a _Disney_ movie. It belongs to our competitor! Do you know there'll be a tight competition next year between Spiderman 3, Shrek 3, and PotC 3? Wow, they all ended with a three. Hail the triquels!

Beckett: Can we get back to _me_, now? Thank you very much. Now then…I was pictured as a heartless villain, full of ambition and greed. _Barbossa_ was motivated by his desire to be normal…well as normal as a pirate can be, and Davy Jones was triggered by his long-lost love. Even if you consider Norrington as a villain (some fans still argues whether Norrington is considered as a villain, of course), he is still simply motivated to restore his honour. Only _I_ am pictured as a pure villain, with a motive to take over the world, or seven seas, or whatever the popular term is at the moment.

Jack: When you put that way, I can slightly sympathize with you. Still, Disney has to have _someone_ that's pure evil and to be hated. Don't worry, Becky, you'll get over your suffering soon. It's very likely that you'll be killed off in the third movie, anyway, seeing that it _is_ a Disney movie.

The rest of the audience, plus fans: Can he actually be killed off now, then?

Jack: No…who will watch the third movie, then?

_TBC_


	4. Nice twins and animals' antics

Disclaimer: I do not own PotC. _Harry Potter_ belongs to J.K. Rowling, and I am most _certainly_ not her.

Now it's Murtogg, Mullroy, Pintel, Ragetti, Jack the monkey, Cotton's parrot, and the dog's turn!

* * *

  
Jack: I think we've covered enough of the "He-I-Shall-Not-Name", and such. Would anyone else like to complain? 

Will: Wait…you mean that _Voldemort_ just voiced his complaint? When? How come I didn't hear it? Where is he? (looks around edgily)

Jack: (shakes his head) No, Will. Voldemort is "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". I said "He-I-Shall-Not-Name", so they are _different_ people, savvy?

Gibbs: It's bad luck to mention the Dark Lord's name! It might bring him here!

Will: See, see, Gibbs _also_ refers to Voldemort!

James: (rolls eyes) Oh, please. Who Jack meant by "He-I-Shall-Not-Name" was _Beckett_. And Gibbs, you are _not_ a Death Eater, only a pirate, so do not need to call Voldemort the Dark Lord. He's only a fictitious villain. Besides, we need to move on now before non-Harry Potter readers start to abandon reading the rest of this chapter.

(The author has to thank James for that.)

Jack: Wow, Norry, you _do_ understand me a lot.

Mullroy: But we thought the _Black Pearl_ and the undead _pirates_ were fictitious, but they weren't, were they? _Were_ they? I'm so confused…

Murtogg: Of course, they were fictitious! They weren't undead! Otherwise, how could we manage to shoot and catch them? We don't see the _Black Pearl_ at the moment, do we?

James: My god, if this is going to be another long day of hearing them arguing, I want some aspirin…except that it hasn't been invented yet. Damn.

Jack: Hey, Mullroy and Murtogg are like the nice twins of Pintel and Ragetti, doppelgängers.

Will: Er, what do you mean by _nice_ twins? Doesn't that usually involve _evil_ twins? And what's a doppelgänger?

Jack: Well, a nice twin is the opposite of an evil twin; there are two of them on each side, so I call them twins. Doppelgänger is like the body double, or look-alike of a person.

Will: You're carrying your literary dictionary today, aren't you, Jack?

Jack: (grins) No, I just read the _Word of the Day_ from Google this morning, and just learned about doppelgänger.

Ragetti: Do you mean that Pintel and I look like those two there, except _we're_ the evil ones? How come _we're_ the evil ones? Why not them?

Pintel: Yes, they don't have any wooden eyes or beard, so they _can't_ be our doubles! How come they get to be the nice ones?

James: Hey, that's because they're in the Navy, so they are _supposed_ to be the nice ones, savvy? Oops, did I just say savvy? (James covers his face with his hands; Jack grins more widely) I think the right term would be the nice 'quadruplets'; I'm not too sure if quadruplet is with or without an "s", though.

Elizabeth: Yes, I can see your point now, Jack. Pintel and Ragetti on one side, and Murtogg and Mullroy on the other side keeps pointless arguing balanced, so they're like two sides of the same coin!

Jack: Good, now that everyone agrees, could we actually move on to the discussion about the _woes_, please? Hey, nice twins or quadruplets, do you have any complaints? How about the evil twins or quadruplets? Norry, can I just use twins, instead? Having to keep saying quadruplets makes my tongue twist, and I have just had four bottles of rum, so I'm not in the best shape for tongue twisters at the moment…

James: Why do I even care? I've hung around you so much I've started speaking like you. Yes, you can use whatever terms you want, while I try to remove my new pirate vocabulary from my _head_….

Jack: It can't be that bad, mate. I mean, hanging around pirates is not that bad—_hanging_ pirates is very, _very_ bad, though.

Beckett: No, it's not _bad_. I mean the latter one; hanging _pirates_, is in fact very _good_; I don't care much about the former one, the "hanging around pirates" part.

(All pirates or pirate wannabes stare at Beckett. If only staring could kill, the job of the author would be done.)

Jack: Shut up, You-I-Shall-Not-Name…ah, using Becky is shorter, actually, back to Becky, then. I was just experimenting with different ways of expressing myself. Becky, I didn't ask for your opinions, savvy? Okay, nice or evil twins? Any complaints?

Ragetti: I never get my new glass eye. It's just my luck I got caught after we weren't cursed no more. Why didn't I buy a glass eye before DMC started? Oh, wait, we were on the run and we did not have money. I knew it. I shouldn't spend my last hard earned doubloon on that Bible. How come I suffered the same fate in the first _and_ the second movie?

Jack: Well, at least you didn't suffer a worse fate, like Norry. You should be happy. Count your blessings, and all that stuff. You weren't eaten or drowned by the Kraken like the rest of my crew, because _you_ appeared in the first movie, so the filmmakers decided to keep you as the comic relief!

(James doesn't comment on being called Norry, as he's still trying to remove the pirate vocabulary from his head. Poor him, does he not know it's easy to pick up bad habits, but harder to remove them?)

Pintel: How about me? How come I'm still stuck with Ragetti? Can't I have a better sidekick? Well, that is pretty much what _I_ needed to say.

Jack: Hey, you were not the main protagonist like me, so you can't _have_ a new sidekick. Well, the audience can't imagine Ragetti without Pintel, and vice versa, so you have to be together anyway. I was, in fact, surprised to see that both of you appeared in DMC at all. As for addressing your complaint, same reply as Ragetti's: see the above. I can't keep repeating the same things over and over again, savvy?

Mullroy: At least they _appeared_ at DMC, unlike Murtogg and me. I still can't confirm the existence of _Black Pearl_, undead pirates, or if Jack Sparrow really had been to Singapore! Now, there's the myth of the _Flying Dutchman_, Davy Jones, and the Kraken as well! My poor brain can't cope with so many legends in one story! Not to mention the earlier discussion about Harry Potter, who I can't confirm the existence of, either…

Jack: That's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, thank you very much. For the record, I _have_ been to Singapore. How come nobody believed me when I told the truth?

(Will and the rest, except James, snigger.)

Murtogg: About the Harry Potter world: of _course_ it exists, otherwise how come so many people believe in it, or buy the books? The wizards just want us Muggles to _think_ that magic doesn't exist!

Jack: Mr. Murtogg, back to the discussion about the PotC movies, please.

Murtogg: Well, my complaint is that I don't appear in DMC at all, and possibly drowned in the hurricane, thanks to the ex-commodore, who's frowning and shaking his head, there. (James is still tuned out from the conversation, so doesn't comment.) How come I'm stuck with Mullroy, and always argue these pointless things with him? I might be in purgatory with him at the moment!

Jack: I don't think you're dead, because you are _here_.

Will: That was opposite to what you said in the first chapter, about how you might be dead but could be present, so I need to work on my suspension of disbelief a little more. (The author is amazed with Will's good memory.) In that case, Murtogg and Mullroy _might_ be dead, _and_ could still be here.

Mullroy: Oh god, on top of this confusion, I can also be _dead_. I can never be sure if I'm alive or not!

Jack: Hey, Norry didn't mention who was in the ship with him during the hurricane, so Murtogg and Mullroy _could_ be alive. Besides, anything is possible for a fantasy movie. Mullroy, all the legends you mentioned earlier do exist, have you not watched the freaking PotC movies? I can't say about Harry _Potter's_ existence because that's not my place. As to why Mullroy and Murtogg are always together, same reason as why Pintel and Ragetti are always together: comic relief. To prove my point about the existence of undead pirates, let me demonstrate this! (shoots the monkey)

Jack the monkey: (screeches and jumps up and down in monkey fashion) _This_ is what I want to complain about: inhumane treatments done to me during DMC! What does Captain Jack think I _am_? Moving target practice for shooting? I shall lodge my complaints to PETAm and then we shall see what _they_ have to say about it!

Jack (the pirate, in case it isn't clear): Hey, you are _not_ a human, so it's okay to be inhumane! It is all your fault that Barbossa got the medallion during the _Interceptor_ and _Black Pearl_ showdown, anyway. Besides, _you_ are undead, so what's wrong with being shot multiple times?

Barbossa: Hey, is that the way to treat my pet? You'll pay for this, Jack Sparrow!

Jack (the pirate): That's _Captain_ Sparrow for you, _Hector_. Let's see what you're going to do. Are you going to eat more apples in front of me? Or mutiny against me? I don't even have a ship to be mutinied on upon at the moment, thanks to a certain lady and the Kraken.

(Elizabeth still has the grace to blush.)

The dog with the key: Can I lodge my complaint, as well? I haven't got the damn bones that the pirates in the jail tried to bait me with! The bone that Pintel and Ragetti offered me to get the key was too dry and old, so it wasn't even _juicy_. I don't know _why_ they carried me on their boat to the cannibal island. I might get killed after being made their god! This movie is _really_ against animal rights, I won't fall for using 'inhumane' like Jack the monkey…

James: (who has finally recovered from trying to remove the pirate vocabulary from his head) Before anyone continues, who's the idiot that always puts the keys in the dog's mouth in the first place? If I find out who's responsible, he or she will be fired! Okay, go on, now.

Jack (the pirate—scratch it, the author won't keep using 'the pirate'; if it doesn't end with 'the monkey', it's Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?): Well, _that_ was because of the tradition in the PotC ride, to have the dog with the key. At least you get your juicy bones in the cannibal island, although you might be killed for that. I won't assume that you'll definitely die, though, as most characters that appear in the first movie don't die in the second movie, and I guess might be in the third, as well. What will the theme part be without the dog with the key, if the dog was eaten by the cannibals?

Cotton's Parrot: I'd like to complain, as well. I don't really _want_ to be Cotton's parrot anymore, because Gibbs just interpreted what I said whatever way he liked, which he might be doing at this very moment, since he's interpreting for me right now. Could I get another job, like being a post-bird (1)?

Gibbs: Hey, give me a break! I don't get paid to do this interpretation thing, anyway.

Jack: Cotton's parrot, your complaint is not valid. It's your job, anyway, to talk for Cotton. You didn't do any hard labour work, or get shot like Jack the monkey, or possibly get eaten like the dog with the keys. You didn't even get captured by the cannibals, unlike the rest of us, so you must be a one smart bird, or at least smarter than a certain eunuch who said 'I can fight all of you like this for the whole day'. You can work as a post-bird if you want, but that will be your _second_ job, without extra pay; you know people, or animals, need to work not only for the _pay,_ but also for job satisfaction.

Beckett: I disagree. Every person or animal has their own price. Money/power/Davy Jones' heart is the _currency_ of this realm!

Jack: Shut up, Becky.

* * *

(1) To see more references about the post-bird, feel free to read _Dear Captain Sparrow,_ chapter two

Note: No animal was harmed in the making of this parody. However, several mugs of rum were. So? What are you going to do about it?


End file.
